I've always wanted to write a book...

My book would have to have something to do with my mother..its the one thing in my life that I am not satisfied with....if I die today or tomorrow I will not be happy with the way things are...yet I feel helpless to change it. Without making this blog a book I just have to say that no matter how old you get you want your mom..The sad part about my mom and mines relationship is that there is none...and she is alive ..she is 76 years old..lives about 40 minutes away from me ..shes healthy and able bodied..I'm in worse shape than she is....shes a widow and lives alone..

I was raised in a two parent household...very hard working middle class family...my mother is an only child...a decision my grandmother regretted later in life...how do I know ??'' I asked her one time ...she (my grandmother, who by the way was more of a mother to me) was sitting in her rocking chair on the back porch and I was on the lounge chair...and we were both dissappointed at my mom this day for some reason...and I said, "Mommom, do you regret not having more children..and she said, "yes, I wish I would have had more...!

My mom was in my life when I was 18 and got married the first time..she didn't like my first husband,,but they allowed the wedding and helped to put together a beautiful outdoor wedding on a nice hill on a farm..it was nice...he was only 17 and they had to sign for us to get married..they did because we threatened to run way to Maryland and get married..cause we were so in love...hmmm...well that marriage lasted exactly one year to the day...meantime I gave birth to a son 9 months after we were married...when the baby was 2 months old I left him and moved back in with my parents...I did this seven times..with a Uhaul truck each time moving my things back and forth..looking back..it was ridiculous...but I was so young..Well after he seventh time that was it...I got myself together and got a job...making televisions...well thats where I met my second husband...I won't dwell on this because ... well after 15 years and 3 more children .. it failed too..he decided crack was more important than us...anyway...so this is about my mom...

Anyway Philco-Ford (job where I met 2nd hubby) was laying off..were relocating to Florida where labor was cheaper...so me and the one who would be my second husband moved to South Carolina so we could live with his mother who had just lost her husband...my mother wasn't be at her house when I left..her and my dad went to the shore and called me right before I was to leave..we were driving from Pennsylvania to South Carolina...about 12 hours...she said if I left she would "disown" me....You see my second husband was black...I didn't know until then that it mattered...it wasn't something that was never really discussed in my family..I grew up in a prodominately white middle class suburb of Philadelphia, Pa...my husband was from the city ...where most of the employees were from at that time..they came in on the train from Philly...

So I went anyway...again I was in love...but my mom and dad came to visit us twice in the four years we lived there..I had my first daughter (2nd child) in South Carolina in July of 1975.

Two months before her birth I got a phone call from one of my brothers ( I am the oldest by 2 years) saying that my dad was depressed and suicidal because my mom had left him for another man...(whom she eventually married). Well I was my fathers only girl and the oldest and I had to get to him..So being 7 months pregnant and dragging my then 3 year old son with me I hopped on the Amtrak train and took the 14 hour ride to my fathers house...I stayed for a week and by the time I left he was better...Well when she left him she left us...by us I mean me and my 2 younger brothers..she divorced us too..

I remember taking my children every Sunday to my grandmoms..she had a home with 2 acres of land and they could really run around and we liked spending time with my grandmom..she is the epitimy of the word grandmother..from the apple pies and applesause..she even made some of our clothes..she was a seamstress for over 40 years....and my mon and her new husband would pull up and my grandmother would rumble under her breath..because they came for dinner on their way back from "the mountains'. where the two of them went every weekend...their regular home was right around the corner from my grandmom...my mom wouldn't give my grandmom a lot of attention...lot of responsiblility comes with being an only child...but they stopped in for dinner..it made my grandmom mad sometimes cause she felt used..At these dinner my mom would have no conversation with any of my kids...supposedly loved them and was over the "black" thing...I remember one time my brother and his wife and 2 kids came for dinner and my son and his cousin Bryan were throwing a nerf ball on the back porch and she hollered at them..well it made me holler at her...I told her that she didn't ask them how they were,.how they were doing in school so don't holler at them..

So needless to say we don't have a relationship. I have tried....I just wonder why at this point in her life why it doesn't matter...she must be willing to die without ever having a relationship with me or my brothers...so sad to me...so very sad!!!