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Welcome to the stories of my life...

I just want to humbley welcome and thank all of those that take the time to read what I write..Idon't have a particular theme at any given time...just write what I feel compelled to write at the time...Please if you read my blogs ..leave a comment..I would love to know what you think...thanks again and enjoy the journey....

Friday, July 31, 2009

IN THE QUIET OF THE MORNING I CRY....

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IN THE QUIET OF THE MORNING I CRY....Created on
Nov 8, 2008 8:23 AM by 6xagranny

So many thoughts going thru my head, so many emotions running thru my arms (I feel things in my arms) So many questions, I can't get answers too. For some reason the shows I want to watch are on a station that won't come in right, so I'm left busy with my thoughts. I'm tryin hard to think of other things but I think of my mother. The one thing that's always there though is "Doesn't she miss us?" Us being me and my brothers. We've all had this problem for many years. Consoling each other, counseling each other about her voluntary absence from our lives. Its crazy cause I've realized that no matter how old you are you want your mom at some points in your life...When she divorced my father when I was 22, she divorced me and my brothers. I miss my father. We had a relationship, so when I think of him its a good thing. I'm at peace knowing he and I knew we loved one another at the end and always. I'm gonna die never having known my mom. I know her name, her birthdate, she has freckles that are now faded. In her younger years she was a redhead. I think my dad always felt inferior around my moms parents. I know he wasn't their favorite person(not for nothing). He was a poor Italian boy with 12 siblings, and they were middle class people with one child, my mother.I cry for my children and my childrens children for not knowing her. I cry for her for not knowing them .What a loss.I am the matriarch of my family and the responsibility of that is huge!!! Its a responsibility I take very serious. If it wasn't for the fact that she hasn't just dissed me from her life, but my younger brothers I would have taken it more personal.I know I've done a lot of crazy things in my life, but nothing enough for her to hold a grudge all these years. Okay so I married 2 guys she didn't like. My life!!! So I ran away a few times as a rebellious teenager.So I got caught smoking cigarettes wallking the dog around the block.So I was arrested as a look out for a friend stealing shoes! So they kicked me out of 11th grade cause I wouldnt bring the big Kotex box full of bats and balls, back into the school. (was already given an F for the day, didnt think I should have to bring the box in too!) So I hung with the "bad boys" of Montgomery county Pa, and Collegeville Pa.. So I was caught on the back of a few bikes at age 16. Those days are past, always with me, but gone. She doesnt know me as a woman, an adult, a mother, a grandmother. She's alive on this earth and yet she doesnt care. She's 75 and you would think her own mortality was in front of her, that before she died she would want to clear up some things. I guess shes at peace with the way things are! I ,on the other hand am tormented and feel rejected. Pitiful ain't I?

P.S I wrote this back in november of 2008 in the Harleyhood neighborhood on Ebay..I copied and pasted it here..aka...granny7x....brenda know as 6xagranny on Ebay...




Wow! You guys, when I wrote this in here this morning I really thought people were going to come here and say shake it off, get over it, stop whining, or whatever. I wipe my tears writing this now after reading Urban and Dyna. I used to console my brothers the only way I could(being the oldest) and tell them that it was her loss. Deep down inside when I wiould tell them that I knew it was true, but didn't ease my own pain so I know it didnt ease their either. I keep in touch with my mom, I send her Xmas card, birthday cards, flowers for Mothers day, etc. I write to her all the time trying to find out why shes like this. she lives alone in her own little place. I wrote to her a month ago asking her who takes care of her , whos helping her do everyday things, I told her how my own mortality is in front of me and before I go I want things to be right. She told me she holds no grudge, and that I should just accept that her and I don't have the tradional mother daughter relationship. I try to accept, and I go on with my everyday life. God know I'm kept busy everyday, because I am involved with all 4 of my childrens and all 7 of my grandchildrens lives. I know where they are, and how they are every day of life. I'll tell you what though, I beleive my mother has taught me what kind of mother NOT TO BE., BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT URB AND DYNA ...I'M A DAMN GOOD MOTHER AND EVEN BETTER GRANDMOTHER. You 2 have said more to me today to help that has ever been told to me and I thank you both.Of all the trials and tribulations I've been through in my life,(my house burnt down in 1991, I raised 4 children by myself, etc) this is the one I can't grab by the balls and fling them around and just let go. I will however re-read what you hve said and know that people do care, and for that I pray God speed to you both. Thanks for sharing your story Dyna! By the way, my name is Brenda

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Today is Tuesday October 23, 2012 and my mother has been gone since October of 2011..she passed away the same way she lived ..alone..those reading this will be amongst only a handful of people that will know this..her body was found in her home on December 19,2011 by the police in her town after the mailman noticed her mail overflowing..he reported this and they discovered her body on the floor of her home..she lived in a nice trailer park and had a beautiful place..I got to see it for the first time on December 19,2011 when my brother and I had to go look for a will or some papers she may have left..she wasnt in communication with us so we didnt know what her wishes were..we only knew that she was going to be buried next to her mother and father and her second husband..that the plot was already paid for and there was a tombstone there..she never discussed anything else with any of us..they calculated that she probably passed away around Halloween .her body was decomposed..we couldnt have a regular funeral ..we had her cremated because that was our only choice..we buried her on December 23, 2011..right before Christmas..we had to go on with the holiday for the little childrens sake (my grandchildren)..About a week after we buried her I started getting mail back (with deceased written on the outside) that I had sent her..a Christmas card and a few letters with pictures of my grand children ..which I sent to her often..she liked getting pictures of them...never met then except for the oldest and the last time she saw her was in 2002 when my grandmother (my mothers mother) passed away...Shai was nine at the time..so my mother passed and we never did have lunch and talk about US..I just thought she would break in her elder years and want to get to know me before it was too late...she got her way ..and I still live with this turmoil..I am not as haunted by the disconnect as I was when she was alive..once my children started leaving home and setting up homes of their own I would wake up sporatically (thats how I've always slept) and the house would be so quiet..I would be alone with my thoughts and they always took me to my mother ...doesn't happen anymore..theres closure..I've accepted that the relationship I wanted won't happen,,that I did all I could..I was a good daughter and I can live with that..hope she is resting in Peace...one day we may meet again.. P.S. she didnt leave a will and didnt have insurance of any kind..we are now in the process still a year later of fixing a part of the floor in her home and then we will sell it...slow process and we hope to not have to go into the year 2013 with this over our heads..fingers crossed it will happen that way ..so we can just get on with our lives...

7 comments:

  1. This made me cry. Your right everyone loves there mom no matter bad or good things are. You sound like an amazing person and its her loss not yours. Sometimes peoples shame for their mistakes make them not able to admit and take responsibility. Stubbonness is a disease I think. I know I was physically mistreated by mine until I was 34 and I just learned to accept that I love her no matter what and accept that she is the way she is. I learned to be happy with my family, my hubby, kids and other loved ones and not worrying about her made me feel so much better. I know she knows Im doing well even when she puts me down. I think her unhappiness makes her want to make everyone unhappy, misery loves company. I just started not letting it be me that keeps it company. Creating helped. My own little happy world. My sister died in 97 she would have been 40 yesterday and I think of how much things would be different if she were in my life. Not having her on this earth is so much harder than not having my mom in my life. I have tried to tell my mom she lost one child why loose another. Some just only care for themselves. Just know your a wonderful person, strong from what I hear and your loved by all that are in your circle. That is whats important. But I do hope that someday she tells you she loves you and makes peace. Hugs. Kimberly Idalski www.Kimisjewelryandgifts.blogspot.com

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  2. What a tender story your life has been, and speaks so clearly of the losses we have in our life and all the grief associated with those losses BEING A PARENT is the most IMPORTANT ROLE in the world ....and you have captured that from every essence of your writings I wish you peace and comfort, as we all know the terrible pains these losses hold for us. I often put them up on the shelf of my big and crowded closet, only have them fall down and roll out of the closet...and I put those feelings away once more..

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  3. What a sad story. But you have taken the bad in your life and turned it around. For that I salute you!

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  4. Your story was somewhat cathartic for me, Brenda. I am going through something with my own parents right now, but I do have a good relationship with them overall. Your story showed me that I have what I need from them. Thank you for sharing it. I am glad that you have turned it around to get the good out of our experience.

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  5. thank you all for your kind words..most people can say they learned how to be a good mother because of the good ways their mother or father for that matter had raised them...I learned How NOT to be..me and mu kids are all very close..my mother and I only went shopping one time and had lunch at the same time..that was when I was pregnant with my oldest child who is 40 ....my kids and I do lunch and dinner at times..we meet at each others homes for birthdays and holidays which we all take very serious.. I can't relate to my mom ..and Kim my mom is gone so we will never have that bond...but I'm okay with it and am no longer haunted by that..becuase now it is out of my hands...thank you all .....

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  6. Your story again reminds me that not every child gets the parent he/she deserves.

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