A FACE WITHOUT FRECKLES IS LLIKE A SKY WITHOUT STARS...

Wow.. I’m 56 years old and it feels so good to hear that..although I am not aware of my freckles anymore ..my body is filled with them..my face,,my arms. etc..anyway.growing up with them wasn’t painful but for while me and my brothers were teased..not to the extent of life problems or self esteem issues..once people got to know us they accepted our freckles ..I used to be told how to get rid of them when I was younger..like wait for the first dew in APril and go to the cornfields and get the dew and wash it over your face..well I have always loved my freckles and still do ..never wanted to get rid of them..My parents and grandparents told me there was one for each time the angels kissed me..Now how could anything beat that…just reminded me when I read his post…Thanks Randy


2/27/2010

bridge

Queensryche Bridge

You called me up on the phone today
struggling with the right words to say.
Time can change a thing or two.
Time has changed the lives of me and you,
but you know… it could have been different dad.

The word brings back a sweet memory.
I’m sitting on a bluff on a broken tree,
by my side a distinguished man
giving me encouragement, telling me I can,
and you know… you’re not there.

You say, “Son, let’s forget the past,
I want another chance, gonna make it last.”
You’re begging me for a brand new start,
trying to mend a bridge that’s been blown apart,
but you know… you never built it dad.

So I sit here through the night,
and I write myself to sleep,
and time keeps ticking…

Time has made you finally realize
your loneliness and your guilt inside.
You’re reaching for something you never had,
turning around now you’re looking back,
and you know… I’m not there.

You say, “Son, let’s forget the past.
I want another chance, gonna make it last.”
You’re begging me for a brand new start,
trying to mend a bridge that’s been blown apart,
but you know… you never built it dad.



I saw this written in a forum I was in...it reminds me more of my mom and I...

THIS SILENCE IS TOO LOUD!!! (MAY 30.2009)

Dallas and Laney just left for dance school..they spent Thursday and Friday night at my house overnight..Now that they're gone the house is quiet and I have too much time to think...Of course my mind wants to dwell on my mom...Got a note from her yesterday thanking me for the flowers I sent her for Mother's Day, ..apologized for it taking so long to get here...So today my mind takes me to the thought about how people always use the excuse as to why they are the way they are because of their past or how they were raised...because thats all they know...what a bunch of B.S that is...What they should say is, "I lack common sense , so I thought I'd follow in their footsteps...they were abusive and I didn't like it so I think I'll do the same to my kids."

I am 56 years old and remember my mom geting mad at a vacuum cleaner and picked it up and tossed it across the floor..I remember at that moment saying to myself ."I have to remember to never do that in front of my children because I don't want anyone to feel like I do right now."I remember saying that to myself...I remember being scared..my mom never hit us..but I was scared at the noise of it and to see my mom so mad...I remember her slamming kitchen cabinets too..and being scared...not that we don't all have issues with temper now and then..I'm just saying I remember these...I remember her throwing a fork at my brothers back..he was a teenage pain in the ass at the time..and she lost it...

I made a decision in my mothering years to not be like my mother...I keep busy helping to care of my grandchildren.. This morning I helped get Dallas and Dellaney dressed for dance class and then they left....and then I thought and then I wrote..

To My Mom (written May 2009)

this is something I journaled one morning..it is not finished or fine tuned yet..


In my older years
I long for you
just like I did back then
only now I'm closer to the end
I've faced the fact that
I'll never see your face again
or have I accepted that??
the older I get the less I cry
cause some say its your loss
I'm not so sure thats totally true

My heart thats been broken by a man
has always repaired with time
not so sure that will happen here
pretty sure a piece of my heart
will always have a void
where you should be
not so sure I understand
but guess I'm not sposed to
God gives us nothing we can't handle
so I live without you
doesn't mean I don't miss or love you
put no one above you
and hope you'll have a change of heart
before its way to late
cause once we're gone..we're gone
I'm sure I'll see you on the other side
I've loved my children in spite of you
and I've learned from you what not to do..

MOMMOM AND POPPOP

I had the best grandmom in the world…I mean she was so much different than me..she cooked all the time..she sewed,,she made apple pies and applesauce and canned things..and just the perfect picture of a grandmom..she always had cookies in the cookie jar and my grandpop would cut up cheddar cheese and put it in a jar cause thats what we always wanted when we went over there.and they always had the creal on a low shelf so we could reach it..she spoiled us and I had her in my life until i was 50.. she died at 90 after a fall…If I could be 1/2 the grandmom she was then I will leave this earth a Happy grandmom



My mother still lives..but my children dont really know her because thats the way she wants it..only saw her when we all happened to go to my grandmothers(my mothers mother..the one that was the best grandmom in the world).for dinner on Sundays…neverf had one on one time ot even a conversation with any of my children..we saw her on Christmas every yer when they were growing up nd she spent lots of mnoey on them but kids didnt now who bought them what..they thought Santa brought them all..so she only did it to make herself feel better..so I thank God I had the grandmom that I was blessed to have….Theres just no greater love than the Love of a grandmom…

Edit post

Being a grandparent as opposed to being a parent..

We do things different with children as opposed to grandchildren..our lives are at a different place now..we have the time and energy to do these things with the grandkids..when we had the kids we were either working outside of the home or a homemaker both equally tiring and gruelling..now we are at a different place…I as the grandmother of 7 often (maybe once every three months) have a pizza party sleepover at grandmoms…they all pack a bag with one of their own toys from home(God knows I have 4 toy boxes of toys at my house)they pack a pair of jommies(pj’s) and thats it…then we watch movies..color in the at least 60 coloring books I have for them..we build legos,,we eat pizza (I even let them each have a little bit of ginger ale with their pizza)then sometimes the boys(3 of them ages 6,5, and 4) set up the train tracks and start playing with Thomas and other trains I have here) and then the girls go play with their pet shop pets and dolls and even sometimes cars..then I take a break and then we sleep and wake up and eat honey nut cheerios for breakfast and play awhile ..then moms and dads come get them..what did they learn…family…

THIS IS ONE TIME I WAS HAPPY TO HAVE BEEN WRONG.

Quess what?? My brother Scotty came to visit me today..it was around 11 something in the morning Tuesday January 26, 2010...I got a phone call,,I didn't recognize the number and usually don't answer it if I don't..well I answered it and the voice on the other end said " Are you home?" Um I just answered the phone so I think I am..didn't even recognize his voice...he said "Its Scott..I'm in the city and I told you when you called me last week that I would visit next time I was in the city:...well I was so happy and excited..I said , "Right on, come on", we hung up and I waited...he came within the half hour and we had a nice visit..want to do that again....he stayed about an hour and a half..(on the clock)....I felt good all day because of this visit..I hope he feels the same way...I would like to do this like maybe once a month...So thank you God for this day as with everyday...but this was way special...Thank you

MY BROTHER SCOTT

I called my younger brother on Thanksgiving to wish him a “Happy Thanksgiving” cause well he's my brother ,, he and his girlfirned of 18 years had broken up a few months earlier and I knew he’d be alone on Thanksgiving.. my kids (all but one is out of the house with families of their own) do their own thing and they all come to my house on Christmas…well while on the phone with him I invited him to my home for Christmas ,he thanked me and I told him he didn’t have to commit to it but we would love to see him..he doesnt even know 6 of my 7 grandchildren and we only live 10 miles from each other..I told him now that we are older( both in our 50’s)and ya never know what tomorrow has in store….so come on and lets get some pictures and have a good time he said okay but I’m not promising anything..I said okay I love you ..and we hung up…well I went to a lot tf trouble..with extra goodies I know he likes and just the cleaning of the house was different cause OMG my brothers comin..

Woke up Christmas morning with anticipation of having all 4 of my children and all 7 of my grandchildren and my kids significant others at my house for Christmas…they would start coming around 3 or so after they had breakfast and their kids had their Christmas at home first…I was happy…I was also preparing for my brother..I hadn’t called him to verify I just wanted to see what happened…well the kids started coming.. we had had our first major snow storm only 5 days before and there was still snow piles and people putting cones and chairs in “thier spots” ..so I kept looking out the window looking for my brother to make sure he found a spot to park…the kids grew up in this house and neighborhood so i knew they’d find a spot even if it was a few blocks away…kids got here and I was still watching out of the window..and kept thinking I heard knocks at my front door..it was noisy in my house and several times I would ask one of the kids to check the front door to to see if that was Uncle Scotty..it never was..until one of them said “Mom hes not coming”…I just knew he would be here..how do you turn down an invitations like this.. and guess what he never came….the story continues….stay tuned…

My father would always call and want to go to lunch..when he did that I knew he had something important to talk to me about..so I would always go..he usually wanted to talk about his insurance poliicies …what I needed to know if something should ever happend to him..he told me I would be his executrix and that I should divide everythng up into 3’s for me and my 3 brothers..I hated when he would have these “talks”..He died March 16th (10dys after my birthday) 1989…I was 36 years old…he died of lung cancer 4 months after surving his aeorta tearing from his heart and hanging on by one thread..Thomas Jefferson Hospital saved his life…they never saw the lung cancer..he recovered from the aeorta incident after being in a coma for 45 days..only to pass away 4 months later from the morphine for the pain…I miss my grandmother and my father..


..My father was the perfect father..he always told me as as young teenager that I could be Miss America…I knew it wasnt true..but he really thought that..he always boosted my self asteem and because of him is why I am who I am…I am the oldest and the only girl to an Italian father thats as good as gold..I was his princess and when he passed away I knew he was at peace and no longer in pain and I knew exactly what his final wishes were …because of all the ’talks"..and everything went smoothly…I could let him go because he knew how I felt about him ..I always told him I loved him.



My dad was a poor ole’ Italian boy..he had 11 siblings..we were close with most of them growing up..I remember some of the best times in my life is when my uncles Louie, and Nicky, and Johnny would come by the house with their families and my father and his brothers would play the guitar and the harmonicas…they used to play “Burning ring of fire” by Johnny Cash,,,and my dad used like to play Mona Lisa…some great times and good music

I CRY FOR MY MOTHER STILL

I grew up in a middle class neighborhood and had parents who worked hard..my grandparents lived 2 blocks from us and we always saw them..every Sunday was church then to Mommom and Poppops for dinner..we would play game sfter dinner and then watch the Ed Sullivan show..sometimes we had to sit thru Lawrence Welk and a movie came on every Sunday night at 7 …Disney movie…had the best childhood…then I grew up.. left at 18…had my first child at 19 and soon after that marriage failed….I went on to find true love for 15 years anyway and 3 more children later …it failed also…

At this point in my life my mother is alive still she just turned 77 and we have no relationship..for whatever reason is unbeknownst to me..my mother has 3 children who she chooses to have no contact with..its a sad story..and I have journals all over my house with writings of my mom and how I wish she was in my life..I have written to her many times and asked why and I never get an answer…my children never knew my mother,their grandmother..although God did bless me with the best grandmother in the whole world(my mothers mother , no less) and she was like a mother to me and she adored my children and they did get to know her..only one of my grandchildren ever got to meet my grandmom…the others were all born after she passed away…she fell in the bathroom of the retirement home she was staying and died 13 days later..one week to the day after her 90th birthday…I thought I was going to die the day she left us..I still cry for my mother at 56 years old..so it doesnt matter how old you get …you still long for your mother..


..she chooses to be by herself ..I have written to her ..I send her gifts at Christmas and flowers for her birthday and Mothers day..every year for a long time..I do get thank you notes back in the mail..I last saw my mother when I rode in the car with her at my grandmothers funeral back in 2002..and before that it had been years also…someday I will gather all my notes and journals and write a book on this relationship we have or should I say don’t have…



It is a sad story of my mom..I blog often about it..I cry even at my age 56 for missing my mother …i have journals full of thoughts of my mom…but thats a whole nuther story....I love my mom and send het flowers on her birthday..send her gifts at Christmas and for Mothers day..I always get thank you notes from her..I keep her posted with grandkids pictures and she comments on them(they are her great granchildren) and she only knows one of them (the 15 yr old) and has only seen her 5 times in her life..so i do what I can…end of story..

FAMILY (I AM NOT THE AUTHOR)

I ran into a stranger as he passed by
"oh excuse me please", was my reply
He said "Please excuse me too,
I wasn't watching you
We were very polite, this stranger and I
we went on our way and we said goodbye
But at home a different story is told
How we treat our loved ones young and old
Later that day ,cooking the evening meal
My son stood beside me very still
When I turned I nearly knocked him down
Move out of the way I said with a frown
He walked away his litte heart broken
While I lay awake in my bed
Gods still small voice came to me and said
while dealing with a stranger
common courtesy you use
but the family you love
you seem to abuse
Go and look on the kitchen floor
YOU'll find some flowers, there by the door
Those are the flowers he brought for you
He picked them himself , pink , yellow and blue
He stood very quiet not to spoil the surprise
You never saw the tears that filled his little eyes
by this itme I felt very small
and now my tears began to fall
I quietly went and knelt by his bed
"Wake up little one, wake up . I said
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found them 'em out by the tree"
I picked them because they're pretty like you
I knew you'd like them , especially the blue
I said, I'm very sorry for the way acted today
I shouldnt have yelled at you that way
he said "Oh mom that is okay
I love you anyway
I said 'Son I love you too
And I do love the flowers, especially the blue."

27 THINGS I HOPE TO REMEMBER NOT TO FORGET..

1. Bobby's sense of humor

2. Bow's wisdom

3. How sensitive Davina is

4. Jeanells smile with her beautiful teeth

5. The smell of fresh cut grass

6. What a rainbow looks like

7. The taste of a fresh picked tomato

8. The smell of a nice summer rain

9. The words to "My baby boy"

10.The feel of my grandmothers cool soft lips

11.My childhood

12.How my father loved me

13.smell of a newborn baby

14.Eboni's laugh

15.That I saw Jesus outside of my window on 4th street when I was about 11 or 12...

16.The taste of a 3 musketeer bar.

17.How the moon looks on the bay..

18.Gabby's laugh

19.How pretty Shai is

20.what a genius Dallas is

21.Dellaneys dainty pretty smile

22.Davion's gorgeous smile and raspy little voice

23.How Brayden loves Thomas the train.

24.How fiesty and pretty Jolie is..

25.How I love Lacey like a daughter..

26.How patient Darnell is...how he truly loves his family..big Teddy Bear...

27.How my father leaned forward in a chair and put his hand down his shirt...I remember that...