For the coming New Year..

Well I suppose after my youngest brother not showing up on Christmas that I will go the rest of the year without seeing him...I'm a bit superstitious but also know that even if there was no superstition I still will not see him,,,thats just the way my family is...One day I will totally accept that I am it..It starts with me for my kids and grandkids..I am the matriarch right now and so be it...their loss...I just want to live a LONG life and I need to really get this health issue in check...Miss my family ..wish it was another way but wishing won't so it..Praying hasn't helped so I guess this is the plan...I don't know why I feel bad for my kids and grandkids not knowing my mom and my brothers and my brothers children and grandchildren..because if they don't want to be part of our lives why should I even want my kids to know them anyway...

We had a wonderful time on Christmas in spite of them..We always do and I spose we always will...Its not the only time of the year we all get together..brother and sisters and cousins...we get together every Easter...usually at my youngest daughtter Jeanells house..have Easter Egg hunts with the kids and of course there's a golden egg to be found...and then for all 7 birthdays we get together..some how..somewhere..be it Chucky Cheese or Happy Tymes or someones house..we do it up...But Christmas and Easter are for all 7 of them together..just an awesome sight and I sm very proud of all of them..

My wish for them and myself and our friends and extended families is to have the best New Year ever..to be happy and healthy and financially sound...each and every one of us..God wrap your arms around us and keep us as a unit...today ....until the end of time..

One more Christmas with my family

Ya know each year I say well I made it another year..it's not that I'm obsessed with the thought of dying ,,I just don't take it for granted that I will be here forever..I am truly blessed with each passing day..I am one of the lucky ones..I am in contact with my kids and grandkids everyday...none of them live very far from home and are all just a phone call away..we are very close and someone is always calling someone and we all know whats going on in each others lives..(well mostly everything)..~~

Today is December 25, 2009 and in about 6 hours my home will be filled with noise and laughter of my 4 children and 7 grandchildren..I invited my youngest brother to join us if he wanted..he hasnt been here in about 25 years or so for Christmas..hopefully he will stop by for a little while anyway..just would love for my kids and grandkids to see that I have another extension of my life..my mother doesn't keep in touch and me and my oldest brother are estranged ..so Scotty is the only connection that I have from a past...I would love for the kids to get to see him and get to know him and for the grandkids to know that wow grandmom has a brother...and take a few pictures for the photo albums...we'll see....the ball is in his court...its ashame that my oldest brother and I are at odds, cause my kids and his kids used to be close...I would love for them to keep their relationships alive,,but they have dwindled thru the years also..there are 2nd cousins that dont even know cousins and thats the shame of it all...and they are only about 30 miles from one another..I can only hope that in my lifetime my brother will come to his senses and contact me..I've done all I could do...you would think that getting older would spark a thought..thats a whole another story though..right now I will enjoy the day and my family and oh yeah HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS...YOU ARE THE REASON FOR THE SEASON. and I make sure the grandkids know it before they start ripping wrapping paper and getting giddy with joy....love to all~~

I haven't written in a while...

I have to write when it hits me to write.. but this morning I was humbled..when I visited the Harley neighborhood that I belong to on Ebay..been in that neighborhood for a year..I was invited to join by Jesse customs...I bought a Harley sweatshirt from him ..he made me a Betty Boop avatar and a special bandana...he does great work on shirts and stickers etc..So I used to write long stories there ..mostly about my life and I do have a tendency even in posting a comment to ramble on and on..but I haven't been leaving comments in the Hood too much lately ..so many of the older people I knew when I started don't get on as much and new younger people were joining and I felt I didnt belong anymore..so I stopped going in there for awhile...Now I check it every day and this morning I left a comment in one of the threads...A friend called Motorgirl said she missed me and my stories...and right then and there I felt humbled..that for real someone was actually reading what I had to say and appreciated it..thank you motorgirl for even saying that...hope you got the url from the post I put in the thread this morning..couldn't leave you an actual link so I hope you connnected what I was trying to send to you...hope to hear from you...

A FRIEND FROM BIRTH...LITERALLY!! TO BARB

Dear Barb,
I'm at a loss as to how to explain my love for you.....I have friends in my life..most of them are life long friends...I still keep in touch with Daisy Steinborn ..met her in 4th grade I believe, theres Ann and Connie from junior high..from about the age of 12 or 13...theres Deb Vincent from junior high...from age 13 or 14....and there are others that I just reunited with on the internet...maybe from classmates or some other source...but you and I ...well you and I go as far back as two people could possible go....birth....we hung out in Hatfield as toddlers and young children...we grew up together in the most formidable time of our lives in Lansdale...our young days and tween days...somehow we've tried to keep in touch throughout the years...we did off and on...and thank God we are now and always will be...I miss you and wish we could "do lunch" on the spur of the moment if we wanted to...so many memories we have...good times ...hope I never forget...we've talked about a lot of them...But seeing you last June of 2008 or was it July...in Lansdale,,,in Memorial Park..was surreal...can't believe we actually put together a plan and did it...Now I just have to keep my part of the next deal and get my health together and get my butt to Hawaii...I am so afraid to fly...but I will have to do it...hmmmmmmm!!! I wish for you the best life has to offer...so glad you are happy and have a partner who loves you! Please lets never lose touch ..EVER!!! I love you and miss you immensely...your life long friend Brenda Sue

So many memories but the one thing we both remember is that we used to pic fresh tomatoes from anyones garden and eat them right there on the spot...used to eat so many my mouth would get sore...still love me a just picked garden fresh tomatoe...could go for one right now...love you Barb...

I TOOK A BIG STEP TODAY..FOR MY FINAL DAY...

Was something I've been wanting to do for awhile..make arrangements for the end..My father is buried with his mother and father and I just didn't know where to start..so happens I received a packet in the mail..I saw Riverside Cemetery on the front and is sparked an interest...thats where my dad and his parents are buried.
I read thru the brochures and pamphlets and included was a mock contract in case you were interested,,had the breakdown of the financial side of it...looked doable , even with my fixed income...I sent in the postcard for free information and within days I had it...I called and made an appointment for someone to come out and talk things over wih me..while I was on the phone the woman on the other end asked me if I knew Margaret,,at first I thought of my Aunt Peggy my fathers sister...but she said she was married to NIck..so that was my Aunt Margaret..swell she passed a few years ago and my Uncle nick died before her..also have a cousins baby twin in there and the father of one of my cousins..they are everywhere and thats where I want to be...the plot itself is already paid for by my grandfather..My grandmother and grandfather came from Italy when she was pregnant with my father..I'm impressed that they bought 4 plots.....I got the last of the four..I guess no one else took that one because they all had partners that I spose they wanted to be buried next to...but there all there .close to us..I don't have a partner in life so I claimed it..I'm paying for the vault and the opening and closing(diggin the dirt and putting the dirt on the vault)...and the service with an overhead thingy..still have to do the funeral parlor and get the casket..This is not as gross as I thought it might be..Its a neccesity and my grandmother on my mothers side and my father both ahd theirs ready when they passed and we had an easy time of burying them and had time to grieve...My kids aren't liking that I'm doing this..but one day they will understand..this will help them in the long run...It's the weirdest feeling its not like I'm in a hurry to get there by no means but I'm looking forward to resting there..its a beautiful cemetery..and I'm in the SUNNY SIDE LOT..LOL It's nice to know I will REST IN PEACE..I hope its not for another 40 years...

I have a case of writers block right now..

Just realized its been almost 2 weeks since I've written anything..lots happening just don't have that urge to write about anything in particular...grandchildren have all started school..all but one is attending school this year...3 of them are in pre k one is in kindergarten, one is in first grade and the oldest one believe it or not is in the 10th grade...wow...where did the time go...>???

It's 4 am on a Sunday morning...spose to be going to Brayden and Jolies birthday party today,,,not sure if we can go..dallas and Dellaney have been sick for a few days now ...Jeanell has had to nebulize laney a few times...they've had fevers and coughs and snot snots...lol that what we call a runny nose...well I will write when I have the urge to really say something...later!!!

TO MY MOTHER BEFORE I GO...9/6/09

Dear Mom,

I love you, I always have , I always will. I'm sorry our relationship has been so far apart all these years..Years niether one of us will ever get back..YOU chose not to be a a part of my life, or of my childrens lives, or their childrens lives...I'm sorry I have to explain to them who you are and show them pictures of you from 30 years ago or longer...Sorry for you , for me, but especially for the children. They have a grandmother who is alive who chooses not to acknowledge them..My children will never know what a "grandmother" is ..The only taste of one will be the memory of MY grandmother..I thank God they have those memories..My grandchildren have ME and they will have wonderful memories. I wish you would have gotten to know how precious each one is..how they can make you laugh and they can make you cry..Each one is a gift from God!! What a loss to your life,,what a beautiful assett knowing them could have been to YOUR life.!!
I am so sorry for YOU and for US!!

I write this in case I go before you..My health isn't all that great and I just needed to write to you..
I take nothing in my life for granted! There's always been a hole in my heart where you should have been!!

P.S. If in Heaven we should meet, will you be my friend then?

I'M REALLY BORED

I am totally bored..Nothing happening on Bonanzle right now..wrote in every thread I could find pertaining to something I might me interested in..I'm getting ready to order a grilled chicken caesar salad..omg I used to really be hooked on them ..Now I only get one maybe once a month..salad is fine but I like the caesar dressing... this place makes their own..another place I get the salad from has the packaged Paul Newman ceasar dressing ,,I think not as tasty missing the raw egg I believe cause of the health scare with raw eggs..but I like this other places much better..Tonight I have the craving so I shall indulge this evening..i did have a good day. went hunting for homeowners insurance and it went well...so thats a good thing..Life is good and I thank God each and every day..several times.. and on that note I'm outta here..hugs to all...

SONG I WROTE FOR DALLAS

There's a new world somewhere , they call the seventh sun
And if you ever go there , tell them you're the one
You're the one that makes me happy, you're the one that brings me joy
Then you tell them that you are my baby boy

My baby boy, my baby boy
then you tell them that you are my baby boy
then you tell them that you are
You are my shining star
then you tell them that you are my baby boy!


I wrote this when he was about 3 months old..I used to put him on my chest and sing to him. we would sleep sometimes for 6 hours in one position...

Now hes 5 1/2 and is starting kindergarten in a few weeks..I have been watching him all of his life ...then laney came along and I watched both of them all their lives while their mom went to work..she works nights so they would spend 3 nights a week at my house..they moved out of my house and back in twice so they've been with me all of their lives..Now my job of watching them is over..they will both be going to school soon and now its my time to find out what I want to be when I grow up..lol

TODAY WAS SPOSE TO BE MY DAUGHTERS WEDDING DAY....BUT

instead I cry with a broken heart..shes okay..she puts on a front that shes okay and I think she will be..She has to hurt..no matter what she tells me..she said "I'm okay mom, I don't hurt and I'm not mad anymore"!..I said I was glad..now if WE can just get through this day...after all I am the Mother of the Bride.. bottom line is I am her mother..and just like when she stepped on glass on the playground and had to go to the hospital..I could feel her pain right in the pit of my stomach..just like when she broke her arm on the same playground,, I remember feeling the pain..if I could have taken all of her pain I would have...Today is no different..I hurt for her...I hurt because she hurts..shes still my little girl..she is my baby..she really is the youngest of 4 children...She has a great group of friends that have been there for her..she called the wedding off about 2 months ago and at first it was hell..but as time goes on shes starting to come back...but its just that TODAY WAS SPOSE TO BE HER WEDDING DAY!!!

This is dedicated to my four beautiful granddaughters

I would love to honor my four beautiful granddaughters..Shai'ana (15), Gabriella (5), Dellaney (4) and baby girl Jolie who just turned one yesterday(August 25, 2009) with this poem..I did not write this poem but it says everything I want to say to them..

GRANDMA'S WORDS OF WISDOM

I've traveled paths you've yet to walk
Learned lessons old and new
And now this wisdom of my life
I'm blessed to share with you
Let kindness spread like sunshine
Embrace those that are sad
Respect their dignity, give them joy
And leave them feeling glad
Forgive those that might hurt you
And though you have your pride
Listen carefully to their viewpoint
Try to see the other side
Walk softly when you're angry
Try not to take offense
Invoke your sense of humor
Laughters power is immense
Express what you are feeling
your beliefs you should uphold
don't shy away from what is right
Be courteous and bold
Keep hope right in your pocket
It will guide you day to day
Take it out when it is needed
when its near, you'll find away
Remember friends and family
of which you are a precious part
Love deeply and love truly
Give freely from your heart
The world is far from perfect
Theres conflict and theres strife
But you still can make a difference
By how you live your life
And so I'm very blessed to know
The wonders you will do
Because you are my granddaughters
And I believe in you!!

I hope I live long enough to see what each of you becomes in life..just for curiosity!! whatever you dream you can achieve..and remember babies even if you don't see me ..I am there! Love Grandmom

And he just turned and said."It's a miracle"!

To be truthful I didn't realize he even knew what miracle meant..but he sure used it in the right context...Dallas...oh the ever so wise little five year old boy...he just got his glasses last
Thursday...and hes so cool..he is not bothered one bit about wearing them ..he functions as if they've always been on his face...He was playing a game on my laptop that hes played many times before ..he lifted the glasses up a bit to compare how he used to see to how he sees now.....as he placed them back on I said "You can really see much clearer now can't you"?, he put his glasses back on and he just turned to me and said, "It's a miracle,"! I cried like a baby and I hugged him and I said "Yes it is baby,,,yes it is"!..

What did I do this summer??/

I really have to say that I had a very busy and fulfilling summer..It may not sound like it to some but I saw all 7 of my grandkids this summer often..I had 3 different pizza pj parties...the first one only 5 could show up...parents of the other two had conflicting work schedules... the second one consisted of two of the ones from the first one and the 2 that couldn't make it to the first one and the third one was with the same two from the first and second one and my God grandson ...I just like to keep the kids together often...and especially cause summer is not that long and I wanted all of them before school started because all but one will be in school this year...one will enter the 10th grade..one will enter 1st grade..one will enter kindergarten ..2 will enter head start or pre -k and the one year old will spend some quality time alone with her mom...its a good thing all the way around..we did lots of things together as a family this summer..a few parties at Nockamixon State Park ..where theres a swimming pool that is out of this world...one part is 11" and the deep end is like 6 feet with sliding boards winding into it...one part has buckets that constantly fill up and if you stand under it ..it will pour the water over your head...mad fun..we are always exhausted at the end of one of these outings...So tonight is the last pizz party (the third one)...the boys are playing game cube and the one girl is putting train tracks together...lol..I am tired...we didn't have pizza tonight ..instead my oldest son(who lives with me,,Uncle Bobby) made spaghetti and meatballs...they love Uncle Bobbys spaghetti and meatballs...it's late and its time for bed...Good night...

I've always wanted to write a book...

My book would have to have something to do with my mother..its the one thing in my life that I am not satisfied with....if I die today or tomorrow I will not be happy with the way things are...yet I feel helpless to change it. Without making this blog a book I just have to say that no matter how old you get you want your mom..The sad part about my mom and mines relationship is that there is none...and she is alive ..she is 76 years old..lives about 40 minutes away from me ..shes healthy and able bodied..I'm in worse shape than she is....shes a widow and lives alone..

I was raised in a two parent household...very hard working middle class family...my mother is an only child...a decision my grandmother regretted later in life...how do I know ??'' I asked her one time ...she (my grandmother, who by the way was more of a mother to me) was sitting in her rocking chair on the back porch and I was on the lounge chair...and we were both dissappointed at my mom this day for some reason...and I said, "Mommom, do you regret not having more children..and she said, "yes, I wish I would have had more...!

My mom was in my life when I was 18 and got married the first time..she didn't like my first husband,,but they allowed the wedding and helped to put together a beautiful outdoor wedding on a nice hill on a farm..it was nice...he was only 17 and they had to sign for us to get married..they did because we threatened to run way to Maryland and get married..cause we were so in love...hmmm...well that marriage lasted exactly one year to the day...meantime I gave birth to a son 9 months after we were married...when the baby was 2 months old I left him and moved back in with my parents...I did this seven times..with a Uhaul truck each time moving my things back and forth..looking back..it was ridiculous...but I was so young..Well after he seventh time that was it...I got myself together and got a job...making televisions...well thats where I met my second husband...I won't dwell on this because ... well after 15 years and 3 more children .. it failed too..he decided crack was more important than us...anyway...so this is about my mom...

Anyway Philco-Ford (job where I met 2nd hubby) was laying off..were relocating to Florida where labor was cheaper...so me and the one who would be my second husband moved to South Carolina so we could live with his mother who had just lost her husband...my mother wasn't be at her house when I left..her and my dad went to the shore and called me right before I was to leave..we were driving from Pennsylvania to South Carolina...about 12 hours...she said if I left she would "disown" me....You see my second husband was black...I didn't know until then that it mattered...it wasn't something that was never really discussed in my family..I grew up in a prodominately white middle class suburb of Philadelphia, Pa...my husband was from the city ...where most of the employees were from at that time..they came in on the train from Philly...

So I went anyway...again I was in love...but my mom and dad came to visit us twice in the four years we lived there..I had my first daughter (2nd child) in South Carolina in July of 1975.

Two months before her birth I got a phone call from one of my brothers ( I am the oldest by 2 years) saying that my dad was depressed and suicidal because my mom had left him for another man...(whom she eventually married). Well I was my fathers only girl and the oldest and I had to get to him..So being 7 months pregnant and dragging my then 3 year old son with me I hopped on the Amtrak train and took the 14 hour ride to my fathers house...I stayed for a week and by the time I left he was better...Well when she left him she left us...by us I mean me and my 2 younger brothers..she divorced us too..

I remember taking my children every Sunday to my grandmoms..she had a home with 2 acres of land and they could really run around and we liked spending time with my grandmom..she is the epitimy of the word grandmother..from the apple pies and applesause..she even made some of our clothes..she was a seamstress for over 40 years....and my mon and her new husband would pull up and my grandmother would rumble under her breath..because they came for dinner on their way back from "the mountains'. where the two of them went every weekend...their regular home was right around the corner from my grandmom...my mom wouldn't give my grandmom a lot of attention...lot of responsiblility comes with being an only child...but they stopped in for dinner..it made my grandmom mad sometimes cause she felt used..At these dinner my mom would have no conversation with any of my kids...supposedly loved them and was over the "black" thing...I remember one time my brother and his wife and 2 kids came for dinner and my son and his cousin Bryan were throwing a nerf ball on the back porch and she hollered at them..well it made me holler at her...I told her that she didn't ask them how they were,.how they were doing in school so don't holler at them..

So needless to say we don't have a relationship. I have tried....I just wonder why at this point in her life why it doesn't matter...she must be willing to die without ever having a relationship with me or my brothers...so sad to me...so very sad!!!

THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE...

I'm at a point in my life where I really need to decide what it is that I want to do with the rest of it..Although I am 56 years old and have been through the "change of life" physically in a womans life..(didn't have it to bad actually)..I now will have the time I haven't ever had..I raised my four children alone for most of their lives because their father decided cocaine and crack were more important than us..I have always been there for my kids.. been to the births of all 7 of my grandchildren and Thank God I was able to do so...

I resigned due to physical disabilities from the U.S.POSTAL SERVICE on January 28, 2003...after 17 years of hard work...I now have degenrative arthritis in my knees , back and hips...Anyway one year to that date my third grandchild was born..It was a boy ..my oldest grandson Dallas...when my daughter left the hospital her and the father of Dallas played house for awhile...When Dallas was 9 days old I started babysitting him so that my daughter could go back to college...she was taking early childhood education to become a teacher or to own her own day care one day...

I would watch him for a few hours then put him in his car seat and go get his mom from school...this went on for months..my daughter is no longer in college and Dallas is now 5 1/2 years old and will be starting kindergarten in about 3 weeks...I am an emotional wreck right now..I have been with him all but about 40 days of his life...I even invented a song for him when I used to put him to sleep on my chest..we would rock and sing for literally hours...

Now they don't need me like they used to and believe me I am glad of that,,but now I won't see him for days at a time..they lived with me most of his life..my daughter just moved out after moving in with me again when she broke off her engagement..Now they just moved back to the house...(shes not back with baby daddy ,,but he is helping to provide a home for his 2 children...)
Dallas has a baby sister Dellaney who just turned 4 and I have gotten very close to her too..I love all of my grandchildren but these two have been with me almost every day...

So now I'm feeling the empty nest which I waited for years to arrive..I just worry about them..I just feel like no one can take care of them like I do...even when their mom was around I would take care of them the most ..I think!

So now its itme for me to keep busy...I have things around the house that I want to sort out but that won't take forever..what do I want to do to make money?? I have a few things I'm throwing around in my head...not sure yet...will keep you posted...

TODAY REALLY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE!!

Today is Sunday August 16, 2009 and I just had a bonanza on Bonanzle and sold nothing..I think I have some aweome items..been slow lately.. so slow in fact that I didn't even owe any money this month..Not good...The bonanza was 20% deducted off of the regular price...I have a brand new David's Bridal bridesmaid gown...never worn..mermaid color size 8 that was bought for $155.oo..I have it listed normally for $150.00 with free shipping...during the bonanza it was going for $120.00...$30.00 off..can't beat that..but the right eyes didn't see it...my daughters custom made bracelets which normally sell for $46.00 were going for $36.00 ...she's not making a profit of any kind with the normal price let alone the sale price...but no sales...I'm totally dissapointed...I tweeted the sale..I put it and a link to Bonanzle and my booth on both of my facebook pages...I emailed about 20 friends and asked them to say hi to me in my chat window if they came to visit...I asked them to visit my booth because they loved me and wanted to support me...but nothing..a few people showed up in my booth and said "Good Luck with your bonanza"., but nothing...not one sale ...I guess I'm ranting...I put lots of work into this and so did lots of others and I see lots didn't make any sales either..someone said the "summer slump" seems to be over because they did so well in their booth...well I beg to differ..this is my worst month since I've been on Bonanza...not sure I want to expend that much energy again..this is my second BIG BLOCK PARTY TYPE SALE..not sure its the best thing for me....

IN THE QUIET OF THE MORNING I CRY....

18 Replies
IN THE QUIET OF THE MORNING I CRY....Created on
Nov 8, 2008 8:23 AM by 6xagranny

So many thoughts going thru my head, so many emotions running thru my arms (I feel things in my arms) So many questions, I can't get answers too. For some reason the shows I want to watch are on a station that won't come in right, so I'm left busy with my thoughts. I'm tryin hard to think of other things but I think of my mother. The one thing that's always there though is "Doesn't she miss us?" Us being me and my brothers. We've all had this problem for many years. Consoling each other, counseling each other about her voluntary absence from our lives. Its crazy cause I've realized that no matter how old you are you want your mom at some points in your life...When she divorced my father when I was 22, she divorced me and my brothers. I miss my father. We had a relationship, so when I think of him its a good thing. I'm at peace knowing he and I knew we loved one another at the end and always. I'm gonna die never having known my mom. I know her name, her birthdate, she has freckles that are now faded. In her younger years she was a redhead. I think my dad always felt inferior around my moms parents. I know he wasn't their favorite person(not for nothing). He was a poor Italian boy with 12 siblings, and they were middle class people with one child, my mother.I cry for my children and my childrens children for not knowing her. I cry for her for not knowing them .What a loss.I am the matriarch of my family and the responsibility of that is huge!!! Its a responsibility I take very serious. If it wasn't for the fact that she hasn't just dissed me from her life, but my younger brothers I would have taken it more personal.I know I've done a lot of crazy things in my life, but nothing enough for her to hold a grudge all these years. Okay so I married 2 guys she didn't like. My life!!! So I ran away a few times as a rebellious teenager.So I got caught smoking cigarettes wallking the dog around the block.So I was arrested as a look out for a friend stealing shoes! So they kicked me out of 11th grade cause I wouldnt bring the big Kotex box full of bats and balls, back into the school. (was already given an F for the day, didnt think I should have to bring the box in too!) So I hung with the "bad boys" of Montgomery county Pa, and Collegeville Pa.. So I was caught on the back of a few bikes at age 16. Those days are past, always with me, but gone. She doesnt know me as a woman, an adult, a mother, a grandmother. She's alive on this earth and yet she doesnt care. She's 75 and you would think her own mortality was in front of her, that before she died she would want to clear up some things. I guess shes at peace with the way things are! I ,on the other hand am tormented and feel rejected. Pitiful ain't I?

P.S I wrote this back in november of 2008 in the Harleyhood neighborhood on Ebay..I copied and pasted it here..aka...granny7x....brenda know as 6xagranny on Ebay...




Wow! You guys, when I wrote this in here this morning I really thought people were going to come here and say shake it off, get over it, stop whining, or whatever. I wipe my tears writing this now after reading Urban and Dyna. I used to console my brothers the only way I could(being the oldest) and tell them that it was her loss. Deep down inside when I wiould tell them that I knew it was true, but didn't ease my own pain so I know it didnt ease their either. I keep in touch with my mom, I send her Xmas card, birthday cards, flowers for Mothers day, etc. I write to her all the time trying to find out why shes like this. she lives alone in her own little place. I wrote to her a month ago asking her who takes care of her , whos helping her do everyday things, I told her how my own mortality is in front of me and before I go I want things to be right. She told me she holds no grudge, and that I should just accept that her and I don't have the tradional mother daughter relationship. I try to accept, and I go on with my everyday life. God know I'm kept busy everyday, because I am involved with all 4 of my childrens and all 7 of my grandchildrens lives. I know where they are, and how they are every day of life. I'll tell you what though, I beleive my mother has taught me what kind of mother NOT TO BE., BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT URB AND DYNA ...I'M A DAMN GOOD MOTHER AND EVEN BETTER GRANDMOTHER. You 2 have said more to me today to help that has ever been told to me and I thank you both.Of all the trials and tribulations I've been through in my life,(my house burnt down in 1991, I raised 4 children by myself, etc) this is the one I can't grab by the balls and fling them around and just let go. I will however re-read what you hve said and know that people do care, and for that I pray God speed to you both. Thanks for sharing your story Dyna! By the way, my name is Brenda

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Today is Tuesday October 23, 2012 and my mother has been gone since October of 2011..she passed away the same way she lived ..alone..those reading this will be amongst only a handful of people that will know this..her body was found in her home on December 19,2011 by the police in her town after the mailman noticed her mail overflowing..he reported this and they discovered her body on the floor of her home..she lived in a nice trailer park and had a beautiful place..I got to see it for the first time on December 19,2011 when my brother and I had to go look for a will or some papers she may have left..she wasnt in communication with us so we didnt know what her wishes were..we only knew that she was going to be buried next to her mother and father and her second husband..that the plot was already paid for and there was a tombstone there..she never discussed anything else with any of us..they calculated that she probably passed away around Halloween .her body was decomposed..we couldnt have a regular funeral ..we had her cremated because that was our only choice..we buried her on December 23, 2011..right before Christmas..we had to go on with the holiday for the little childrens sake (my grandchildren)..About a week after we buried her I started getting mail back (with deceased written on the outside) that I had sent her..a Christmas card and a few letters with pictures of my grand children ..which I sent to her often..she liked getting pictures of them...never met then except for the oldest and the last time she saw her was in 2002 when my grandmother (my mothers mother) passed away...Shai was nine at the time..so my mother passed and we never did have lunch and talk about US..I just thought she would break in her elder years and want to get to know me before it was too late...she got her way ..and I still live with this turmoil..I am not as haunted by the disconnect as I was when she was alive..once my children started leaving home and setting up homes of their own I would wake up sporatically (thats how I've always slept) and the house would be so quiet..I would be alone with my thoughts and they always took me to my mother ...doesn't happen anymore..theres closure..I've accepted that the relationship I wanted won't happen,,that I did all I could..I was a good daughter and I can live with that..hope she is resting in Peace...one day we may meet again.. P.S. she didnt leave a will and didnt have insurance of any kind..we are now in the process still a year later of fixing a part of the floor in her home and then we will sell it...slow process and we hope to not have to go into the year 2013 with this over our heads..fingers crossed it will happen that way ..so we can just get on with our lives...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMOM!!!

Although you are no longer physically with us...we think of you often..we talk about you all the time...you are the reason I know how important a grandmother is in a childs life...you have made me the best kind of grandmother..When you were still alive I had only one grandchild...now I have 7...You have been gone for 7 years and I still can't believe you are gone..I thank God I had my grandmom for 49 years of my life..how many can say that..and I truly believe you would still be here if you hadn't fallen..You were healthy and always took care of yourself..I wish we could take that horrible day back..but we can't and life goes on...I miss you more than you know..well maybe you do know..because I know you miss us too..the kids would have loved you so and you would have had another to call "tootsie" first it was me,,,then my daughter Jeanell and probably her daughter Dellaney would have been your new "tootsie"! I don't make apple pie and do all the things you did as the perfect grandmom...but I listen when they talk...I wipe their tears when they cry and have plenty of hugs and kisses for them..I teach them everyday..I read to them..I say prayers at night with them..I can only hope to be half the grandmom you were...we love you MOMMOM and will never ever forget you...HAPPY 97TH BIRTHDAY MOMMOM...PARTY HARDY IN HEAVEN!!! LOVE FROM ALL OF US!!! ME(BRENDA)...ROBERT, DAVINA, CLIFTON, JEANELL, SHAI'ANA, GABRIELLA, DALLAS, DAVION, DELLANEY, BRAYDEN AND JOLIE....

MY SALES ON BONANZLE..

I came to Bonanzle in a weird way..I found someones store on ebay just looking around...she had a lot of 100 pair of earrings for sale and I was interested in them...I messaged her and she told me that she also had them for sale in her booth on Bonanzle...well I'm like what the heck is a Bonanzle?? so she gave some info and within a few days I took the leap...It was easy which was a turn on to me..cause I am so not computer savvy . I still maintain a small store on Ebay but have taken 3/4 of my inventory off of there..I was paying more a month than I was making...I will eventually leave Ebay..I'm doing okay on Bonanzle...would really like to make a killing one day...I have sold 102 things since November of 08...took me way longer than that on Ebay..and cost lots more..I like the interaction with people on Bonanzle..you can go to the forums and chat back and forth..you can quick text them if they are on line at the time they can answer immediatley...you can trade your items with them ..there are auctions..there are fund raisers...there are prayers for the ones that lost someone...you name it..its there like a best friend..Can't tell you the friends I have made on there...I may not personally know them but I consider them my friends...Lots of sales going on right now...Christmas in July in over I think 150 booths...Sunday the 12th there will be a Bonanzle Bonanza Block Party for the whole day..if you're in the need for something write it down and come find it at a great price...You will love it....come meet your future friends...

Cathy died yesterday...

The friend that I wrote about the other day has died...I hate when people say its probably for the best but in this case its probably for the best..her life was over anyway...she was either going to have to spend the rest of her life in rehabilation or in prison...I am so sorry to the family and for the family... she had 6 grandchildren and as far as I know 2 of them were living with Cathy and her husband Joe because their mother had overdosed on drugs years before and they took them in....Now Cathy and Joe are both gone..Can only wonder what the kids are going through right now..I mourn the loss of a friend I hadn't seen in at least 40 years and yet I still feel like a friend..does that somehow not go away....Debbie emailed me and the first words were...Cathy died yesterday...I cried right away and emailed a few of those that would be interested....then Deb went on to talk about her arthritis...something we both have in common...painful yet glad to be alive to feel at all!!! I didn't talk about this on Bonanzle..I thought it too dramatic for the forum..so I tell it here to those that read my stuff......good night...

TODAY IS MY BABY'S BIRTHDAY

My baby being my youngest child, Jeanell..she is 29 years old today..its also one of my dearest friends birthday ..Happy Birthday to both...Where in the world did the time go..It truly went by so fast...I wish her all the happiness that life has to offer...she works hard and deserves the best...Hope I'm around to celebrate lots more birthdays with her....

Must have been at the end of her rope

I received a card in the mail today..I had just assumed it was a thank you card or an invitation of some sort..I opened it without even noticing the return address..I read it..it was from an old high school friend of mine letting me know of a tragedy that another friend of ours was involved in..she told me to google it or to go to the local newspaper on line and look for the article..I grew up in the suburbs of Philly...
It was the tragic story of how my old friend had shot her husband to death in the driveway of their home last friday and how she also shot herself in the head...story says they had been estranged for awhile now after 37 years of marriage and apparently she couldn't or wouldn't live without him..she bought a 38 revolver and they were sitting in their gray pickup in their driveway ready to go to dinner (amicable separation)...she lost it and she shot them both..she is sill alive in a local hospital..they had to remove a bullet from her head...her mom is in a nursing home and they aren't telling her...I haven't seen this friend in 40 years or so...we used to hang together all the time...me ,her and debbie (the one that notified me)..we used to play softball in the summer..I have stone granuales in my knee to prove it...lol...
I am sick to my stomach over this and even threw up yesterday...I am sorry for the death of her husband and can't help wonder what dark dark place she must have been in to do such a horrible thing...I know they have a 28 year old son..not sure if there are more children or not..can't help wonder what happens to her now...rehab I guess for recovery from a bullet to the head...then off to prison I would assume..either way I would say life is over for her....
I woke up this morning with a new perspective.. althought my arthritis is hurting me real bad today..I am thankful to have woken up and to be able to even feel the pain..I woke up to two of the cutest faces ever looking at me saying "Good morning , grandmom"..and I am so grateful for my life...oh I get down at times..but all in all God has been Good to us..I thank him each and every day for my life and hope I get 56 more years out of this journey...

I love them ....I do...

With all of my heart I love them...but can't have them stay too long...It starts depressing me after awhile...people moving back in...by people I mean one of the kids coming back home. Honest to God they've all done it at least twice...I don't like most of their living habits..nothing like mine at all...scary...I raised them and yet each one is totally different in the way they live...shouldn't their be some similarities....maybe not between me and them but between at least two of them...their are four...2 boys and 2 girls...None of them is as organized as I am..or as tidy...I'm not anal about cleanliness but I do like the place clean and as organized as possible under any set of circumstances..I don't think I ask too much..just keep momma happy..!!
I have simple rules for the most part..common sense really...Put the trash in the trash can..put the dirty clothes in the hamper and pick up after youself...SIMPLE??? I thought so...I mean they can live however they want in their own places but when you're at my place or coming back to stay for a minute ( by minute I mean hopefully not too long) then pick up after your kids..why should I with my crippled ass have to do it...and for me to do it means getting on the floor with my hand vac and cleaning that way....not so easy to do..geting up is even worse...just have some compassion and respect....
I don't have a problem with the "empty nest" thing..I love the nest empty..none of them are far away..the furtherest one is like maybe at the most 15 miles away..The oldest is still at home but he has no children and for the most part helps me out a bit....I'm lucky and blessed in that I didn't go through menopause either..well I guess I went through it..but no hot flashes or night sweats or attitude problems or depression ....nothing...just no period anymore...oh yeah..thats a best point for me...I don't mind growing old..I just don't like being closer to death..I have lots to see yet..And with that I close this session. I feel better now..Today is Dellaneys birthday(June 27) she is 4 today...Happy Birthday baby girl...!!!grandmom loves you with all of her heart!!You're a princess!!!

It Hurts in the pit of my stomach..

My youngest daughter has been with this guy for 10 years now..they did break up for about 3 years for a period...so anyway he buys an engagement ring and asks her officially to marry him in May of this year..she said yes and immedialtely begins planning her wedding...He had asked her before but she never really said yes or no one way or another..she never wanted the duty of planning a wedding...although shes the one in the family that plans Christmas , Easter, and Halloween for the family..its sort of "her thing"..but she didn't want the task of planning hers or anyone else's wedding....
So 2 of her bridesmaids have their gowns...the invitaions have been bought...the hall has been reserved...20 disposable cameras have been purchased to be placed on the reception tables for the guests to take picures and leave the camera behind for the bride and groom to develop and have slews of pictures that would have been otherwise missed... the mother of the brides(me) outfit and shoes have been bought .....but now the invitaions will be used for scrap cards...the 2 bridesmaids gowns will be put up for sale on Bonanzle....the mother of the bride will keep her outfit for some future function.....the cameras I already have for sale on Bonanzle and we will be calling the hall to see if some of the money can be refunded....
She says she feels like a fool and is embarrased that shes calling the wedding off...shes known all along that he was a jerk...he makes good money ...but lacks in fathering skills and man skills...(they have 2 children together...a boy age 5 and a princess age 4 in a few days...)
I'm so glad this is over...I did give my blessings for this wedding only because I thought she really wanted it ....but they've had trouble since they got back together about 2 years ago...hes wishy washy and I'm not saying she's the easiest person to live with but shes an excellent mother and has never done him wrong.......
He works for the sheriffs department and he ego trips...because he has a gun and a badge he thinks hes King of the world...he has no personality and no sense of humor..to see him smile is a miracle...so I really never thought he liked himself...I love him don't get me wrong...but hes a jerk and he lies...
I know shes hurting right now but she will bounce back...the straw that broke the camels back was this past weekend when he went missing...her and I and about 20 other people were worried about him and had a missing persons report on him..hes a diabetic and we didnt think he had his medication....he left all weekend(fahers day weekend) and never called to let her know he was okay(they live together) or where he was...she had fathers day plans for them....Monday morning I called his supervisor(whom by the way was on the hunt for him with us during his dissapearance ...so knew what we went through and how upset we were not knowing where he was.).and I asked him if Mr X had reported to work and as luck would have it he did...that was it..she thanked God for his being alive and the fact that she didn't have to have "that conversation" wih her children and she started packing and calling the wedding off ...again...she called it off a few weeks ago but he wormed his way back...I'm confident that won't happen again...so for now her and the children are here with me (and the dog)....and I'm happy to have them (hopefully not for too long)...she is looking for a place...It hurts in the pit of my stomach because I've been hurt before and I'm feeling for her...but I seeing a weight lifted off of her...and she'll be fine....what a way to get rid of 220 pounds and 6 feet 5 inches worth of crap....

In Honor of My Father...Joe

I think of my father often...my mind is on home especially today...Fathers Day 2009..My father paseed away on March 16. 1989....He was way too young..only 60...He died of lung cancer...I miss my father and I cry for him from time to time..I miss grandmom too...she died at 90 in July of 2002..she fell on the bathroom floor and 13 days later she passed away...

If my father were here today he would be old...but I would like to have taken him to lunch..Him and I did lunch a lot...He always wanted to talk about insurance...did I have enough and told me of his for when he passed away...I didn' like talking about insurance but he wanted me to understand the importance..I did then and I still do..I make sure I have insurance for everything...when he did pass away I felt grateful even more for those lunches...I was the executrix and I had no problem with handling his business.I was able to concentrate on what I needed to focus on ..getting my father taken care of for his final resting place ..I do the same thing wih my kids now..talk to them about insurance and they do the same thing that I did 'OH mom, do we really have to talk about this,,you ain't going nowhere...." poor babies..they really believe that...God love 'em!!!

I'm way to young to have one of these!!!

Today is my oldest grandchilds 15th birthday..I'm not going to say it seems like only yesterday that she was born but it doesn't seem like 15 years!! She's a good girl and very pretty..at that age of boys...shes discovered them ..I'm trying to instill some of my knowledge on her..hopefully she will hear me and take heed...I told her its fine to feel ga ga over a boy ...jus not to let it interfere with her school work....nothing can come between you and your schoolwork I told her!!!I told her mom the same thing about 16 years or so ago...did no good..in one ear and out of the other...Only time will tell..I will keep my eyes on her and give her guidance every step of he way..I have big plans for her and she knows it...shes the oldest of seven grandchildren...her sister who is 6 is next in line..so heres an 8 year age gap beween the oldest and the second oldest...She has the weight of the world on her shoulders...not only is she he oldest of her mothers children but the role model for 6 babies under her...I will keep you posted on the developements as time marches on....Love you Shai!!Happy Birthday !!