My father would always call and want to go to lunch..when he did that I knew he had something important to talk to me about..so I would always go..he usually wanted to talk about his insurance poliicies …what I needed to know if something should ever happend to him..he told me I would be his executrix and that I should divide everythng up into 3’s for me and my 3 brothers..I hated when he would have these “talks”..He died March 16th (10dys after my birthday) 1989…I was 36 years old…he died of lung cancer 4 months after surving his aeorta tearing from his heart and hanging on by one thread..Thomas Jefferson Hospital saved his life…they never saw the lung cancer..he recovered from the aeorta incident after being in a coma for 45 days..only to pass away 4 months later from the morphine for the pain…I miss my grandmother and my father..


..My father was the perfect father..he always told me as as young teenager that I could be Miss America…I knew it wasnt true..but he really thought that..he always boosted my self asteem and because of him is why I am who I am…I am the oldest and the only girl to an Italian father thats as good as gold..I was his princess and when he passed away I knew he was at peace and no longer in pain and I knew exactly what his final wishes were …because of all the ’talks"..and everything went smoothly…I could let him go because he knew how I felt about him ..I always told him I loved him.



My dad was a poor ole’ Italian boy..he had 11 siblings..we were close with most of them growing up..I remember some of the best times in my life is when my uncles Louie, and Nicky, and Johnny would come by the house with their families and my father and his brothers would play the guitar and the harmonicas…they used to play “Burning ring of fire” by Johnny Cash,,,and my dad used like to play Mona Lisa…some great times and good music

I CRY FOR MY MOTHER STILL

I grew up in a middle class neighborhood and had parents who worked hard..my grandparents lived 2 blocks from us and we always saw them..every Sunday was church then to Mommom and Poppops for dinner..we would play game sfter dinner and then watch the Ed Sullivan show..sometimes we had to sit thru Lawrence Welk and a movie came on every Sunday night at 7 …Disney movie…had the best childhood…then I grew up.. left at 18…had my first child at 19 and soon after that marriage failed….I went on to find true love for 15 years anyway and 3 more children later …it failed also…

At this point in my life my mother is alive still she just turned 77 and we have no relationship..for whatever reason is unbeknownst to me..my mother has 3 children who she chooses to have no contact with..its a sad story..and I have journals all over my house with writings of my mom and how I wish she was in my life..I have written to her many times and asked why and I never get an answer…my children never knew my mother,their grandmother..although God did bless me with the best grandmother in the whole world(my mothers mother , no less) and she was like a mother to me and she adored my children and they did get to know her..only one of my grandchildren ever got to meet my grandmom…the others were all born after she passed away…she fell in the bathroom of the retirement home she was staying and died 13 days later..one week to the day after her 90th birthday…I thought I was going to die the day she left us..I still cry for my mother at 56 years old..so it doesnt matter how old you get …you still long for your mother..


..she chooses to be by herself ..I have written to her ..I send her gifts at Christmas and flowers for her birthday and Mothers day..every year for a long time..I do get thank you notes back in the mail..I last saw my mother when I rode in the car with her at my grandmothers funeral back in 2002..and before that it had been years also…someday I will gather all my notes and journals and write a book on this relationship we have or should I say don’t have…



It is a sad story of my mom..I blog often about it..I cry even at my age 56 for missing my mother …i have journals full of thoughts of my mom…but thats a whole nuther story....I love my mom and send het flowers on her birthday..send her gifts at Christmas and for Mothers day..I always get thank you notes from her..I keep her posted with grandkids pictures and she comments on them(they are her great granchildren) and she only knows one of them (the 15 yr old) and has only seen her 5 times in her life..so i do what I can…end of story..

FAMILY (I AM NOT THE AUTHOR)

I ran into a stranger as he passed by
"oh excuse me please", was my reply
He said "Please excuse me too,
I wasn't watching you
We were very polite, this stranger and I
we went on our way and we said goodbye
But at home a different story is told
How we treat our loved ones young and old
Later that day ,cooking the evening meal
My son stood beside me very still
When I turned I nearly knocked him down
Move out of the way I said with a frown
He walked away his litte heart broken
While I lay awake in my bed
Gods still small voice came to me and said
while dealing with a stranger
common courtesy you use
but the family you love
you seem to abuse
Go and look on the kitchen floor
YOU'll find some flowers, there by the door
Those are the flowers he brought for you
He picked them himself , pink , yellow and blue
He stood very quiet not to spoil the surprise
You never saw the tears that filled his little eyes
by this itme I felt very small
and now my tears began to fall
I quietly went and knelt by his bed
"Wake up little one, wake up . I said
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found them 'em out by the tree"
I picked them because they're pretty like you
I knew you'd like them , especially the blue
I said, I'm very sorry for the way acted today
I shouldnt have yelled at you that way
he said "Oh mom that is okay
I love you anyway
I said 'Son I love you too
And I do love the flowers, especially the blue."

27 THINGS I HOPE TO REMEMBER NOT TO FORGET..

1. Bobby's sense of humor

2. Bow's wisdom

3. How sensitive Davina is

4. Jeanells smile with her beautiful teeth

5. The smell of fresh cut grass

6. What a rainbow looks like

7. The taste of a fresh picked tomato

8. The smell of a nice summer rain

9. The words to "My baby boy"

10.The feel of my grandmothers cool soft lips

11.My childhood

12.How my father loved me

13.smell of a newborn baby

14.Eboni's laugh

15.That I saw Jesus outside of my window on 4th street when I was about 11 or 12...

16.The taste of a 3 musketeer bar.

17.How the moon looks on the bay..

18.Gabby's laugh

19.How pretty Shai is

20.what a genius Dallas is

21.Dellaneys dainty pretty smile

22.Davion's gorgeous smile and raspy little voice

23.How Brayden loves Thomas the train.

24.How fiesty and pretty Jolie is..

25.How I love Lacey like a daughter..

26.How patient Darnell is...how he truly loves his family..big Teddy Bear...

27.How my father leaned forward in a chair and put his hand down his shirt...I remember that...

I FEEL TRULY BLESSED AND LUCKY...

I can't even imagine what I would have done with all of these hours that I have spent on Bonanzle..What if that one day I didn't go into the Harley neighborhood on Ebay and see this post from a person who was sounding down and out and at the end of her rope...Her house was going into foreclosure.. this and that and the other was going on with her ex..and omg..Well I knew she had a store on Ebay so I decided to go check it out..I saw a "lot" of 100 pair of alpaca silver dangle earrings for a very reasonable price...I wanted them but didn't have the money that particular day..so I told her I wanted them..she told me she also had them in her booth on BONANZLE.. First thing I thought was "What the hell is a BONANZLE?"..so I clicked the link she gave me and I went in to explore...Since I am also a seller on Ebay and really tired of their policies anymore I was looking for another venue to sell my wares on..so I signed on to Bonanzle and the next day I started listing and the rest as they say is History..I have been there a little over a year and have sold 175 items ..far more than on ebay..

But although that sounds grand...thats really not the most important part to me...Sure I want to sell and make a few dollars..I like doing that..but I like the friendships I have made there..Its the God's honest truth...as soon as something happens I want to go tell my friends on Bonanzle and most of the time I do..I go and start threads on who knows what...I have friends in real life but don't get to see them often..talk on the phone occssionally..Truth be told I need something to do..I'm all growed up now...Lol and I need something that I'm interested in..I like making jewelry..there are so many people out there making jewelry..and so much competition on any venue I would choose to sell on...some beautiful jewelry out there too...

Today is the Big Bonanza Block Party on bonanzle..Mine starts at 12 Pacific time which is 3 eastern time..thats in about 15 minutes....If I could make one good sale I would be happy..I just bought a shirt and a velour jacket for my oldest daughter...

So as a footnote to this whole blog is that the person who first introduced me to Bonanzle I noticed no longer sells on there..I lost touch with her and I wish she would look me up..I am at the same place...But I did thank her at one time letting her know I was doing great and this was what I was looking for ...

Not sure How I should feel..I called my brother..

Yeah I was really angry that he didn't show up for Christmas..we grew up having the best Christmas's in the world..we did well..every Christmas we went to mommom and poppops ..might have been maybe three times that they came to our house..we only lived a few blocks from each other...we always made out great...Scotty was the one who handed out the gifts to everyone...did it all the way until we had our last family Christmas the year my grandmom sold her home and moved into a Mennonite retirement home ...her brother was there and lots of people she went to elementary school with..I swear ..I kid you not...I'm not sure of the year but I'm thinking 1995 or so....Scott and his then girlfriend Pat (they just broke up after 18 years...never lived together..never engaged..neve married to each other...)came down and my other brother Barry and his wife and 2 children at the time...we had fun...Then that was it...My brohter Barry and his family and my family became estranged in 2002 after the reading of my grandmothers will..He swears me and Scotty had something to do with the way things turned out..but I swear we didn't..No one ever talked to me about a will per say..I wouldn't have understood or been interested anyway..So it is what it is...I remember talking to Scotty on Thanksgiving...this was the first Thanksgiving he spent without Pat and he was just home watching TV...I called him and he told me he was going to the doctors for depression..but the thought never occured to me when he didnt show up for Christmas that that had anything to do with it..I talked to a friend whom he keeps in touch with and she lives near him..I told her to tell him thanks for not showing up..that I was upset...she just told him that I was dissappointed that he didnt show up...that was cool..she said he was home on Christmas csuse thats where he needed to be...so then I wasn't as angry..I was sorry...so I called him and I cried..cause I'm a cryer and I can't help it...it just comes...so I cried.....he apologized and said hes feeling better and promised he would show up for the next thing I invited him to...I said cool and we said talk to you later....I feel better ...

For the coming New Year..

Well I suppose after my youngest brother not showing up on Christmas that I will go the rest of the year without seeing him...I'm a bit superstitious but also know that even if there was no superstition I still will not see him,,,thats just the way my family is...One day I will totally accept that I am it..It starts with me for my kids and grandkids..I am the matriarch right now and so be it...their loss...I just want to live a LONG life and I need to really get this health issue in check...Miss my family ..wish it was another way but wishing won't so it..Praying hasn't helped so I guess this is the plan...I don't know why I feel bad for my kids and grandkids not knowing my mom and my brothers and my brothers children and grandchildren..because if they don't want to be part of our lives why should I even want my kids to know them anyway...

We had a wonderful time on Christmas in spite of them..We always do and I spose we always will...Its not the only time of the year we all get together..brother and sisters and cousins...we get together every Easter...usually at my youngest daughtter Jeanells house..have Easter Egg hunts with the kids and of course there's a golden egg to be found...and then for all 7 birthdays we get together..some how..somewhere..be it Chucky Cheese or Happy Tymes or someones house..we do it up...But Christmas and Easter are for all 7 of them together..just an awesome sight and I sm very proud of all of them..

My wish for them and myself and our friends and extended families is to have the best New Year ever..to be happy and healthy and financially sound...each and every one of us..God wrap your arms around us and keep us as a unit...today ....until the end of time..